a breath.
I’m not scare dof the future, and I will it to come as it is.
But ideally, I want to be married and know that someone I love with love the kids we have as much as I do. And those years are not long off.
And I see so many other people doing this simple task, and I want to know where they find these people that love their vintage dresses, and how much they love beautiful flowers & old photos.
I’m not scared of being alone. I’m scared everythings not going to work out the way I’ve always dreamed.
“But Billie. Look at these socks. There’s fuckin TREES on them.”
I fucking miss you.
I just want some friends here. Is that so much to ask?
I’m so lonely.
All the time.
I liked that he always found a way to laugh, and the way he smiled. I liked the reflection of his eyes in the firelight.
The thing was, I fell in love with people all the time.
I noticed, and picked up on mannerisms very quickly. I could echo their laughter, reproduce movements, adjust myself in the same way Lu always did in the mirror of the department store dressing room when she couldn’t decide if she really wanted to spend that much on yet another sweater. It was just the way I was. The way I loved.
It was how I got to know people.
That’s why I was so overwhelmed with confusion. I loved everyone, yet I never liked anyone. I was accustomed to observing. To, watching, as my best guy friends fell in love with my best girl friends. I was used to stepping aside. Taking pictures. Making jokes.
And after, I went home, by myself, and went to bed, and dreamed of no one in particular.
I never minded.
Until you.
There’d never been a you before. I’m serious. And I’m sorry we never really..worked out the way I might have liked to. But, I’m starting to think that’s not really something you wanted, or maybe thought about anyways. But my heart doesn’t dwell on it. It beats the same.
And in my mind, sometimes, I wait for you at the airport.
And you come around the corner, you smile then and give me a big ol’ hug. I know what sweater you’ll be wearing, you idiot. Then you give me a friendly kiss on the cheek, which is something you’ve never done. But it seems appropriate. Because of the distance and the missing neither of us will ever admit. You laugh, and sling your arm around my neck. We take your bag out to the car, you marvel at the fact that you’re here. I take you to my home, I take you out, I show you my world here and you laugh and you smile and take it all in. God, I’d love to see your reaction when you take it all in.
There are bars and clubs with music you hate but hey, you won’t ever say no to a good time, so you let the beat pulse through your veins anyways. There are pretty girls, and pretty views, and an ocean to walk alongside every morning when we wake.
And we talk deeply, like we always do but we never take that extra step that everybodys always seemed to watch and wait for.
When I drop you at the airport again, you’re a little weary to say goodbye to it all.
You hug me again and say you want to come back soon.
You had a great time.
“See ya.”
That’s how I picture it every now and then. And though I know you’ll never come, sometimes I find comfort in that…memory.
I miss your mannerisms.
I miss you hair.
I fell a little, slipped a bit, into a love for who you are. I like who you are.
And even when I don’t know you anymore
don’t ever change.
both of us were tall the year the earth stood still. before then i’d spent summers and winters and falls with you. there were days with long ponytails and arms that stretched and reached towards late afternoon sun. there were evenings spent running down hotel corridors and vanilla ice cream that melted all over our hands. sometimes we laid in the grass and you told me bees could kill you, literally, when your gold red cross bracelet glinted in the slow sun. our legs and hearts were bare then. our thoughts innocent, our minds free. nobody ever tells you that the voice is the first thing to go. it was when your heart bruised that i tried to force myself to feel. i ran my hands along the places that you left me. i tired out your memories. there was a place the earth took me where i hated him, and i’ll never really know what i feel because it’s a place i can’t go anymore. but at one point i had you, before that summer’s end.
sometimes i wonder if you and me had become an us…
i wonder if i would have fallen hopelessly in love with you. because for some reason i can see that working out. and i’ve never been able to see myself work out with a real person before. because you’re so funny, and weird, and full of beautiful words and ideas. you think. i like that you think. i found myself wanting to be around you. often.
but i left things as they were. because the feelings were probably not reciprocated. and i’m okay with that. i admitted it to myself and since then it’s been a thing of the past.
but sometimes i wonder about the places we would have gone. nights where we would probably sit and you would stare at the moon while i stared at the stars. i can see your arm draped carelessly around my shoulder, i can see us making fun of each others outfits. the laughter we would have continued to share.
it sounds like some sad teenage girl love story, i know. but really, it was just a thought.
this is where i keep my secrets.
Even though death is always around me, around us, I still often find it sad, hard to believe even that I am not immortal. That in 2094 the chances of me being alive are slim.
Even though I’ve lived all my birthdays up to this point, it’s hard to fathom that this house won’t always be mine, or even here to come back to. That there won’t be a taller-than-average young girl splayed across a bed in this blue room, under a multi-colored fan, in a tank top and a skirt with a book in her hand.
She will go places and never come back here. And one day, she’ll die.
When I put it like that- I can see it, but when I realize it’s me, it disappears.
