a release an inhale, a tickle of the throat, and expansion of the lungs, and beat against the ribs, a relief, a rushing up the throat, an exhale.
a breath.

It’s just ticked over to a new day and I cal feel my pulse slow as it settles into it’s nighttime rhythm.

Sometimes when you’re still, is when you feel most alive. Even though you might not be able to see the stars, or the moon, you know they’re there, alive.

Oceans separate us, but the ocean is close enough for me to touch. I miss you with each coming wave. The wind takes the heat from my body and pulls it upwards into the air. I close my eyes and send it to you. Feel my warmth.

I listen for your heartbeats in all the space around me. In the footsteps of strangers, in seagulls calls, in the tumbling sand, the crashing waves. Beat on, beat on against the current. Find me. 

I feel your heartbeat in my heartbeat. Mine’s quick, yours is slow. I am nervous, you are calm. Pulse with me. Under the same moon we’ve always known, our blood runs the same course. 

Thankful in this moment, for music. Music that is powerful, beautiful, emotional. Music that captivates your senses and morphs your heart into something new. 

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I miss my people.

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I don’t feel valued here.

I should go soon.

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I owe this man just about everything.
He makes up the majority of my heart and soul. He is brilliant, kind, compassionate, ambitious, loving, vibrant, and above all incredibly talented. He is my favorite comedian, my favorite drummer, my favorite handyman, and my favorite computer-fixer. He is loved by most people he meets, and cares about everyone deeply. He works long hours, and goes out of his way to do unnecessary favors just because he thinks it might make you smile. He has been a father figure not only to me, but to many of my friends, and I am so proud to call him mine.
He has never criticized me for any reason, but always pushed me forward, to be independent, take care of myself (and others) and to do and be whatever I aspire to. He works hard, but never misses a game, or a practice, or a dinner, or a show, and when I’ve asked for help he has never be too busy or turned me down.
He is such a massive part of my life, that knowing how much he loves me could make me cry at any second of the day.
It’s hard to live without my funny man, my best friend. I wish I could see you everyday.
I love you Pops. I’ll always be a sucker for your jokes and impromptu duets.
Thank you. Always. Endlessly. For everything.
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this time two years ago I was drunkenly climbing stairs to a bed that wasn’t my own, trying to muffle my laughter in the darkness.

you had died that day, and I was in no way ready to deal with it.

in the days that followed, your funeral, I cried til my eyes were red and my nerves raw.

nobody dies at 14 years of age.
yet you were the second person I had to let go of that young.

my heart was broken, I watched you grow.
and I watched you die.
it was one of the most unbearable moments of my life.

thank you for letting me share in your life my sweet sweet girl. I’ll miss you until the stars refuse to shine.

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Now you’re happy, and I’m happy for you.
But I also wonder if I shoulda coulda woulda done something awhile back, I’d be happy too.

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there’s only one boy i’ve ever hopelessly fallen for as a crush.

before this point i’d never let myself to that, or get to that point.

but he is smart, and kind, and completely himself. he chooses his words before he says them, but at the same isn’t bothered if you don’t agree with them.

he’s far away, and sleeping now,

and i miss him, i miss him, i miss him.

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the world is just not fair to people who don’t deserve it.

the quiet ones who get swept up in the poor decision of the people that surround them.

i’m sorry, i’m sorry.

we’re supposed to be like sisters.

i can hear you crying now.

i can hear you screaming for help.

i’m sorry, i’m sorry.

we didn’t see it before.

i promise we’ll get you better.

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my beautiful girl.

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High school is a hard place for a lot of people. I quite enjoyed it at times. Not the routine, I found the repetitiveness very tedious, but I throughly enjoyed many of my classes, teachers, and of course my circulation of friends.
But I thrive in a good english class with a good book. I’m a sucker for words. If I like a class, I can easily slip into a teacher’s pet kind of role (not obnoxious like the movies though.)

Honestly, I went through a really rough patch in 10th grade. My best friend was an actress, and she left because she had a role on a soap opera. I felt a bit disoriented as I felt at that point I didn’t have a stable friend base in or outside of school, a girl I knew had died, and I chopped all my hair off. I wanted to leave school and become an actress too, naturally. There was a lot of crying and isolation and according to my parents- at the time- a bit of depression.

But they yanked me out of it. And my Mama has always, for the most part, been right. High School is a necessity in life skills. It teaches you how to deal with a wide range of people, not only peers, but authoritative figures, who by 12th grade you’ll sometimes see aren’t so credible as adults. It teaches you how to deal with small and big failures as well as successes.
It’s like a big game of juggling. And I think when we grow up, we’ll need those skills. Life will test us. We won’t be juggling books & classes, but we will be juggling work, and children. Groceries and car payments. How to make a marriage work. How to deal with people. How to deal with real-world success and failures.

It’s really really hard to see the bigger picture when you’re still in it though. High school seems like it’s your entire world, because it is.

I think we come from a very impatient generation.
But I am on your wavelength darling. I understand knowing what you want and how strenuous it is to have to wait for it, and endure day-to-day mindless torture during that wait.

High School isn’t for everyone of course. Some people cannot thrive in that place.

You just have to ask yourself honestly if you are one of those exceptions. If you are, know it and go with it. Work hard at whatever you do, and don’t expect success to come from it.
It will be that much more rewarding when it does, and you will stay humble.
But these is no instant-gratification in this world, and I can’t stress that enough in this situation.

Now tell me, what do you want to do? What are your dreams?

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~ Next ~